Whilst a lot of what I write about here is aimed at enhancing people’s sex lives, it is also important to remember that having a good sex life does not have anything to do with getting it perfect.
Unfortunately, in our media saturated world, many people end up comparing their sex lives to the sexual pleasures and delights of Hollywood and/or pornography.
Some of the messages that come from these depictions of sex are:
- Every time you have sex it should be mind-blowing.
- Beautiful people have better sex.
- Sex is never awkward.
- Sex is never slow building.
- Couples are always ready for penetrative intercourse after 5 seconds of kissing.
- Sex always involves penetration.
- No communication is necessary for pleasurable sex.
- Your partner should automatically know how to please you and vice versa.
- Safer sex is irrelevant.
- Certain sex acts are hotter than others (ie. anal sex in porn).
- Only young, cis, fully able-bodied people have hot sex.
And even though we know its fiction, these messages can still get stuck in our heads.
But really, this is FICTION.
Real life sex is not like the movies. Real life great sex is not even like the movies.
A great real-life sex life is sometimes amazing and sometimes just nice; sometimes energetic and sometimes lazy; sometimes romantic and sometimes awkward; sometimes novel and sometimes routine.
Real life good sex is varied and different for each person or couple, and real life sex involves real life people with real life feelings, beliefs, stresses, injuries, worries, fantasies, abilities and expectations – so it can never mimic 2D screen sex, and it doesn’t need to.
While Hollywood is about making sex look effortless and wonderful on screen, and porn is about providing an erotic product, real sex is where we get to explore our sexual needs and preferences, where we get to focus on connection, playfulness, and pleasure.
Building an enjoyable and sustainable sex life does need optimism and investment, but it also requires realistic expectations about ourselves, our bodies and our partner/s.
And real life sex can be fun and sexy throughout the different ages and stages of life, not just when we are young, hot, tanned, perky, fit and have a full head of hair.
Dr. Alice Hucker