Long Distance Lovin’

My recent interstate move got me thinking about long distance relationships.

All relationships have periods of separation, whether it be due to work trips, leisure travel, or temporarily or permanently living in different cities.

In some circumstances, the distance might be a nice chance to have a little break from intimacy – an opportunity to miss each others touch and build anticipation for their return.

For other people who are not experiencing much enjoyment from their sex life, this distance may feel like a relief and a time to invest in themselves.

And again for others, the separation may feel too long or large to wait until they are physically together to be sexually intimate. This may be especially so for permanently long-distance relationships, but can also be true for couples apart for shorter time spans that want to remain sexually connected during this time.

Lastly, long distance sex could just be something you want to try for a bit of novelty on a weekend apart.

Where to start?

Whilst some couples feel comfortable with long distance, virtual sex and already have it as part of their sexual repertoire, others are more intimidated by the idea or just unsure where to start.

If long distance lovin’ is something you’re interested in trying out, then a key skill is the art of “dirty talk”. Or put differently, “sexual narration” – because it doesn’t have to feel dirty to be sexy.

Long Distance Dirty Talk/Sexual Narration

One of the most common ways for lovers to sexual connect while geographically separated is phone sex. Here are some ideas for introducing phone sex into your sexual repertoire.

Getting ready:

Raising the idea. Before initiating phone sex, you may like to talk about the idea with your partner to see if they are open to it. This can make it easier to initiate in the future.

Take the pressure off. You don’t have to be perfect at this, just willing to give it a go. If it is a bit awkward or giggly the first time, that’s really normal.

Privacy. If the other person is initiating phone sex, make sure you are in a place that feels private and comfortable. And if you are initiating, make sure it is a good time for them. You could also arrange a good time prior.

What to do:

Here are some different ideas around the kinds of ways to create an erotic and enjoyable conversation.

Make soft noises. If your partner is more comfortable doing the talking at first, just try to verbalise some moans, groans, or sighs to show that you are engaged and enjoying yourself.

Adjust your voice. To help set the mood, adjust your voice to make it more conducive to bedroom talk. Talk a bit slower and more softly.

Describe how you’ve been thinking about them. You can let your lover know what sensual things you miss while they are away. For example, “It’s very lonely in my bed tonight, I miss having your body pressed against mine” or “I miss the taste of your lips.”

You can also let them know that you’ve been thinking about them in a sexy way while they’ve been gone. For example, “I’ve wanted you all day” or “I couldn’t stop thinking about how sexy you are.”

Give sensual compliments. You can start small by telling your lover how attractive they are or how great they are in bed. For example, “You look amazing with your shirt off,” or “It feels so good when I touch your body.” You can give a compliment to a specific body part by saying something like, “Your arms are so toned” or “I just can’t get enough of your legs.”

Touch yourself. When you feel ready, you can start to touch yourself in a sensual way. This may be in response to what you are saying to your lover or what they are saying to you. You can touch yourself in the places being described or wherever else feels good.

Tell them what you’re doing/ask what they are doing. Give a play-by-play of what’s happening as it’s happening. Tell your lover where you are touching yourself and how it feels. You can also ask them what they are doing. This can be as simple as “I’m touching my breasts now, they feel so soft” or “Tell me what you’re doing now.”

You can also add the phrase “…I’m imagining it’s…” –  for example, “I’m touching my hips and thighs and I’m imagining it’s your mouth.”

Replay a past sexual experience together. Think about a past sexual experience you’ve had together and replay this scene by scene. It might be a time you did something a little more erotic or kinky, or just a time you really enjoyed. Start with “Remember the time…” and continue from there, going into as much detail as you like.

Tell them how you’re feeling. Let your partner know what sensations you are feeling in your body and how you are feeling turned-on. Even a simple, “I’m so turned on right now” can go a long way. If relevant, you can also let them know you are feeling a bit nervous but also excited or open to experimenting with this.

Describe a fantasy. Describe a fantasy involving you and your lover, or ask them to describe one to you. Some couples are also happy to include fantasies that involve other people, multiple lovers or past sexual partners, but it’s important to talk about this first to see if that sits well with your partner.

And remember, having a fantasy does not necessarily mean you want to enact it in real life – it may simply be a fantasy that’s fun to think and talk about.

Ask if your lover likes what you’re doing. As you continue to talk and touch yourself, ask them if they like what you’re doing in your joint imaginings:

”Do you like it when I touch you like that?”

“Do you like it when I kiss you there?”

Continue to mix it up. Don’t just use one technique—try using different ideas that turn you and your lover on.

Announce your orgasm. Telling your lover that you’re about to have an orgasm or that you can feel it coming can be a big turn-on. A vocal orgasm is especially important in phone sex as your lover cannot see your facial expression or body movements that may otherwise signal climax.

Note, its not always possible to climax during phone sex. This whole thing may be unfamiliar at first and it may be more difficult to get aroused if you are feeling nervous or silly. Or if you haven’t already learnt how to make yourself orgasm on your own, that can take some time and practice.

It can be helpful to make sexual connection and pleasure the priority, rather than orgasm per se.

Keeping it safe

Finally a few ideas to make the experience as positive as possible.

Communicate boundaries. It’s important to know if there are any words or images that make you or your partner uncomfortable. Have a conversation about this so that you know the lines not to cross. It is also okay to interrupt the phone sex to let your partner know things are getting unsexy or uncomfortable, and redirect the conversation on a better path.

Stop when you need. Just because you have initiated or agreed to have phone sex does not mean you cannot end it when you need. On a practical level, you may need to keep it brief. Or on a more personal level, there may be other reasons you feel the need to stop.

For example, if you are feeling an expectation to orgasm, but you know that its not going to happen, then its okay to politely end the phone sex rather than dragging the conversation on and on out of obligation.

Fantasy is not reality. Remember that the things you and your lover say to each other during phone sex are part of your sex-play and are not meant to be taken literally in the real world. For example, having a fantasy about being subservient or humiliated does not mean you would necessarily be comfortable with this treatment in day-to-day life. Or enjoying being called certain kinky names during sex (eg. bitch, big-boy, whore, master) does not give anyone permission to repeat these outside of the sexual context.

Other options

Of course, phone sex is just one way to stay sexually connected during times of separation. Sexy emails and text messages or video messaging (eg. Skype sex) are also options.

Different kinds of long-distance lovin’ may appeal to different people and at different times. And your preferences may relate to your comfort level with “dirty-talk”, the time zones you are both in, how much privacy you have, your comfort with the other person, and your preference for spontaneity versus well-thought-out prose.

Finally, I do want to add that text, photos and videos can always be stored. And that disrespectful people may choose to share these stored erotic tit-bits with other people, or share them online. So do tread carefully and always use discretion.

Warm regard,

Dr. Alice Hucker

Clinical Psychologist

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