Summarised from Come as You Are by Emily Nagosky.
In Nagosky’s book Come as You Are, she comprehensively explains a really useful theory in sexuality research – The Dual Control Model of sexual response.
Complicated name, but incredibly user-friendly.
This post is my summary of the most critical points in the theory, and how they might apply to our sex lives. Please indulge me as I use an automotive analogy throughout. Continue reading Hand-Break Off, Gas Pedal Down
In many relationships, talking about sex is difficult. And it can be especially difficult if your sex life isn’t going so smoothly.
For some couples, or perhaps in more casual sexual relationships too, the idea of going from no meaningful conversations about sex to full-on sex discussions about erections, position preferences, sexual desire discrepancies and secret fantasies may feel like a very daunting leap.
And sometimes it’s best to start small. Continue reading Let’s Talk About Talking About Sex, Baby
Satisfying sex is not a given in all relationships, and there are certain factors that can predict a more positive and sustainable sex life.
If enough of the conditions for enjoyable sex are met and prioritised, it is much easier to manage desire discrepancies, to add novelty into your sex life, and to remain open and receptive to sexual experiences over a long-term relationship.
These factors can be grouped into 3 main categories: Healthy Body & Mind; Healthy Relationship; and Sexy Sex. Realistic Expectations are also needed. Continue reading Conditions for Good Sex
At the budding stages of a new relationship, there is often lots of hand-holding, kissing, cuddling and spooning, as well as sexual intimacy.
But as a relationship goes on, the balance of different kinds of intimacy can get out of order. This seems to be especially so for couples struggling with sexual difficulties, such as a desire discrepancy or performance anxiety. Continue reading Sexual Intimacy and the 4:2:1 Ratio
Part 1 of this blog series described three common kinds of “low sexual desire” concerns.
Whilst different kinds of sexual desire concerns need to be approached in different ways, there are several ideas that can be helpful in all scenarios. And this is what I will cover here in Part 2.
The four key ideas covered here are: Understanding spontaneous and receptive sexual desire, knowing the value of sex in your life, using communication to negotiate a satisfying sex life, and exploring the conditions for good sex. Continue reading What is Low Sexual Desire? Part 2.
One of the most common and distressing sexual difficulties that couples present with when they see a sex therapist is that one partner in the couple has “low desire” or “no desire”.
This can translate into a variety of bedroom scenarios:
- One partner feeling unhappy that sex and intimacy is not occurring at the frequency they wish.
- The other partner feeling unhappy that sexual initiation is occurring far too often.
- Both partners feeling sexually depressed – this is not how they envisaged their sex life to be.
- One partner feeling inferior, guilty, pressured and hopeless.
- The other partner feeling out of control, rejected and also hopeless.
Continue reading What is Low Sexual Desire? Part 1.